‘Do you know where to send your CV to the BBC?’: Strictly panic erupts as search begins for Tess and Claudia’s replacements — but critics claim only two stars are fit for the job… while clueless bosses risk choosing “woke numpties” over real talent… - suong
THE stampede to replace Strictly Come Dancing’s hosts was officially started by Christopher “La Voix” Dennis on Saturday night.
“Do you know the address where you send your CV to the
“I’m asking for a friend.”
At which point, two things became obvious.
He wasn’t asking for a friend and most certainly wasn’t joking.
Christopher’s probably never been more serious in his life, in fact. He’s not the only person who’s now going to be using the show to pursue his own monstrous ambitions, rather than its stated purpose as a light entertainment show either.
Indeed, the amount of strategic positioning that’s going on here has already started to make the Pamplona Bull Run look like the Queen Mum’s funeral procession.
A bit of a shrug
Officially, however, Saturday was Icons Week.
A long and fairly dull process that involved all sorts of costume indignities.
Among the most striking transformations: Love Island’s Amber Davies impersonated Ariana Grande, during her Dorian from
True. He can’t sing, he can’t dance, he can’t act.
It’s just as well for all of them, then, that no one will remember any of these week five performances because the night was entirely overshadowed by the hosts’ joint statement at the start of the show: “Claudia and I announced this week this will be our last series of Strictly Come Dancing.
“We want to thank you for your beautiful messages. We’ve got another eight weeks on this incredible show.”
Words that seemed to be greeted with a mixture of genuine sadness and a bit of a shrug. A verdict which either reflects my own feelings about the two presenters or the public’s.
Either way, the weight of the world seemed to have been lifted from the shoulders of Tess Daly, who was relaxed, playful(ish) and defrosted to the extent she was almost lukewarm by the end of the BBC One show.
What she’ll never be able to do, however, is shift the worst case of “I mean” disease on television. A terrible affliction that usually kicks in when she’s about to lie.
“I mean, you were channelling Beyonce tonight.”
“I mean, I love you Harry.”
“I mean, is it just me or did it feel like Harry Styles was in the building?”
It’s just you, Tess.
Claudia, on the other hand, will genuinely be missed.
She’s a presenter with a change of gear and a sense of humour who can read the room and cut the dancers dead if she needs to.
As she did in week three when Katya Jones referenced The Celebrity Traitors and said: “Would you like to ride a horse again, Claudia?”
“No. The scores are in.”
Wokest grifters
A key moment in the show’s
Because, if Claudia hadn’t already realised it, this was the point it became obvious she’d outgrown playing second banana to Tess and The Celebrity Traitors was now a much bigger deal than Strictly.
It feels like a surprisingly quick turn around, given it’s the first celebrity series.
But, bogged down with scandal or not, Strictly has spent years digging its own grave by becoming ever more arrogant and complacent and booking ambitious obscurities, like Amber Davies, who already have dance experience and wind up the audience no end.
Strictly collided head-on with those viewers, at the end of Sunday’s show, when Amber landed in the bottom two and a contemptuous Motsi Mabuse reacted like Thomas Skinner had just led a conga back into the studio: “I’m speechless.
“The public have spoken, but dance is the language we speak at Strictly Come Dancing.”
Motsi, of course, should be the next one to leave the show, which can still be saved if they replace Tess with someone who either understands Strictly, like Zoe Ball, or could make it funny, like Graham Norton.
Recent history tells us, though, suitability and talent are the last two boxes the BBC tick these days, and the jobs will go to the wokest grifters with the sharpest elbows.
Knock yourself out, La Voix.
GUTLESS DRAMA’S BOMBED
SERIES three of Vicky McClure’s bomb disposal drama Trigger Point on ITV is yet another one of those shows which scrupulously follows an agenda of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.
Except in one crucial respect.
The terrorist.
It’s always – but always – a white bloke or woman.
An act of moral and artistic cowardice which ruins any “whodunnit” element.
Because you need only glance through the cast list to look for the most high-profile actor who fits the demographic and – bingo! – there’s Lock Stock’s Jason Flemyng.
I wouldn’t mind so much, naturally, if it was offset by a brilliant storyline and script. Trigger Point, though, is about as unpleasantly far-fetched as procedural dramas get.
And it’s overrun by jargon-spouting cops and an armed response team who are forever charging around buildings shouting: “Bedroom. CLEAR,” “Kitchen. CLEAR,” “Top floor. CLEAR.”
The rest just feels like an invitation to give it a good kicking. Until, about halfway through episode two, a suspect called Declan groans, “I’ve had enough of this”, Vicky McClure’s character Lana
Yeah, me too.
TV room. CLEAR.
- INCIDENTALLY, as well as being the bloke who played Ewan Knox in Trigger Point, the TV-name-of-the- week was also my old shorthand for the The X Factor judges, Simon Kunz.
Lookalike of the week
Rahmeh Aladwan and controversial Olympic boxer Imane KhalifCredit: Supplied THIS week’s winner is vile, antisemitic doctor Rahmeh Aladwan and inter- gender Olympic boxing champion
Imane Khelif.Emailed in by Dave Brown.
TV gold
MORTIMER and Whitehouse restoring peace and quiet to the schedule with the return of Gone Fishing on BBC Two.
AdvertisementSky Documentaries’ harrowingly brilliant Death Of A Showjumper, highlighting the heroism of local journalist Tanya Fowles.
BBC One’s thrilling Blue Lights establishing the gold standard for TV dramas.
Big Brother
viewers evicting uber-woke Feyisola at the first opportunity. BBC One screening the classic builders episode of Fawlty Towers in tribute to Prunella Scales, without any of the usual bed-wetting disclaimers about material “likely to cause offence”.And the slightly disturbing, funny and touching way Joe Marler completely stole the show from Michael McIntyre during Saturday’s new episode of The Wheel, before helping a lollipop lady from Gateshead called Sally to win £110,000.
Without a shadow of a doubt, the quiz show appearance of the year.
QUICK EastEnders update. Since the last quarter: Mekon Max, below, has beamed back down to Albert Square to replicate with all fertile earthlings, Zoe Slater’s returned after having an unsuccessful personality transplant in Spain, and little Ernie Moon has put the entire soap into a tailspin with this curveball question to his mum Kat, late on Tuesday night.
“Can you stop shouting?”
Sure, just as soon as Big Mo reconciles gravity with quantum mechanics, Fat Elvis has located Tyson, the Knights’ phantom chihuahua, and Suki Panesar’s taught it to do the Macarena in time for Strictly Come Dancing’s Blackpool week.
That’s a no.
QUIZ show answer of the month. The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “One-time Sugababe Jade Ewen represented the UK in what competition?”
AdvertisementAlison: “Taekwondo.”
As I believe the youngsters say, random.
DAISY May and Charlie Cooper’s NightWatch?
Daisy May and Charlie Cooper Don’tWatch.
Andy Cohen Reaches Out to Lisa Vanderpump About RHOBH Cast Shake-Up trucc
Andy Cohen and Lisa Vanderpump have always maintained a solid rapport. So, whenever Andy feels intrusive thoughts creeping in, this Real Housewives of Beverly Hills alum is always a safe space for his thoughts to land. Even when Andy has a question about her former series. But as Andy sent Lisa his most recent text, he already knew how Lisa might respond.
Andy Cohen thinks Lisa Vanderpump would need Kyle Richards cut from RHOBH to rejoin the cast
Andy recently appeared on the Call Her Daddy podcast. While here, he texted Lisa about RHOBH, asking, “We’re going to shake up the Beverly Hills cast. Who do you think I should cut next season? What’s it gonna take to get you back on Housewives?”
As he’s doing this, Andy quipped, “Well, she’s gonna say Kyle [Richards],” needs to leave the cast first. “And you know, she’s so cheeky, she’ll probably say, ‘Goodbye, Kyle.'”
Even though listeners never heard an update, this isn’t the first time that Andy has joked with Lisa over her return. In fact, several months ago, on Radio Andy, Andy reached out to Lisa, who answered. “Are you going to give me some good news, like I’m going back to your Housewives or something?” she asked.
“Oh, would that be good news to you or bad news to you?” Andy questioned. Turning as dry as humanly possible, Lisa cheekily said, “I’ve been waiting for this call for so long!” Speaking her language, Andy told his listeners, “She is so full of sh*t.” And not missing any beats, Lisa answered, “You’re right, I am.”
Kyle and Lisa used to have a fun-to-watch friendship. However, once Kyle accused LVP of leaking stories to the press, their camaraderie promptly died. As for where her former friend Kyle now stands, last November, Kyle ran into Lisa while out on the town. Lisa “was actually friendly,” Kyle admitted, adding, “It didn’t go badly, I will say that.”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills streams (without Lisa) on Peacock.
